(no subject)

At the turn of the year, I never thought I'd be where I am currently. I never thought I'd be working for a school again. It certainly didn't cross my mind that I'd finally leave *that* chapter of life. But that's what life's all about, isn't it? You just have to grab it and hold on for as long as you can. Circumstances change and we adapt. Is it ideal? Perhaps not, but you make the best out of it. We can make plans so elaborate that sometimes we are so certain that it's foolproof. The truth is, plans change and He knows better.

It's an admirable trait, you know, to follow through what you've set out to do. But where's the fun in that? And you see, not everything (save life and death) is set in stone. Maybe it's the romantic in me, but whatever happened to taking that leap of faith? 
  • Current Music
    Symmetry - Mew

of sleepless nights

If I got paid for all the nights I stayed up getting lost in my own incoherent thoughts i.e. doing nothing, I'd be a pretty rich girl by now. I haven't done much during this short break. I told myself that I'd finish at least one book, but by some miraculous chance my mum found my copy of Dance Dance Dance, and I was in the middle (well more like a quarter) of Kafka on the Shore. So... I'm really neither here nor there. Moreover, we welcomed the arrival of my younger sister's spawn in mid-December. Hurhur. I kid. She's a darling. In short, our lives pretty much revolve around staring at her sleep, feeding her, and burping her.

That's pretty much it. I can't think of anything else exciting that has happened over the course of the last two weeks. Is this it? Am I doomed to mundane nothingness once I'm about to hit 30? The only thing (besides the niece, obviously) that got me slightly hyped up about time away from work is finally getting back on track with netball and running. In the colourful heyday of my youth (as if), I wrote as if everything was important. The funny family conversations that took place during pre-dawn meal were noteworthy, and trivial classroom arguments were all the rage. Even an ad campaign managed to get me all riled up. I have since been reduced to an uncaring, unmotivated less-sentient being, who is relentlessly *trying* to pursue whatever it is that most late-twentysomethings set out to pursue. Not because it's the right thing to do, but because it makes sense to do so.

It makes sense not to let yourself get so caught up in what hurts. It makes sense not to let what's going on in the world affect you in totality. I'm not saying that I'm not letting myself grieve over a loss and/or death, nor am I so blind and ignorant about climate change and other disasters that have struck us in more recent times. There's an appropriate amount of time for someone to mull, mope, and moan, and the general human population should be educated on climate change, and in some cases, some organisations need to figure out what to do with their corp comm department. If there's anything that 2014 has taught us, it's that everybody hurts (thank you, REM), and that life goes on. It's terribly clichéd, but it makes sense.

If this doesn't make sense to you, maybe you should stay up and let your thoughts wander in the stillness of the night. It'll come to you.

  • Current Music
    I'll Find A Way

All About Food

Food, according to Wikipedia, is any substance consumed to provide nutritional support for the body.

I believe there is more to food than just for consumption (nawwww, you pervs). It's mostly about experience. Nothing makes me happier than the sight of food, and the aroma that wafts through the air as my mum starts sauteeing garlic and onion in the kitchen. Moreover, if my friends knew me well enough, they would associate me with two words: sleep and eating. It's amazing that I'm not yet 80kg, hurhur.

Apart from eating, I am an ardent fan of food documentaries and cooking shows. I can sit through hours and hours of Nat Geo People and Travel Channel, especially when they're showing David Rocco, Ishai Golan, and that dude who cooks with nonnas. And fellow foodies, don't tell me you don't start salivating when you see Peter Kuruvita cooking something against a picturesque paddy field or white sandy beach in Sri Lanka? It's like the smell of that curry is emanating from your television.

Not only do you stand to gain from picking up various recipes from different places, but you also get to look into a window; of their food culture and what it means to cook. Granted there are books and resources on the internet at our disposal, but there's nothing quite like seeing it, and better yet, experiencing it for yourself. Watching David Rocco and Peter Kuruvita wandering the streets of Mumbai and taking a stroll along hilly tea plantations has inspired me. Well, not to travel (because of other pressing commitments) but to cook and eat diversely (whatever that means).

In my formative years, I was a really picky eater. I wouldn't eat chicken rice that wasn't my own or my mother's, mee soto that wasn't my mum's, popiah that wasn't from Haig Road food centre, satay that wasn't from a particular stall (but I still refuse to eat chicken satay). To put it simply, really fussy and reserved. I've tried convincing people that I wasn't a snob, and that I was just playing it safe. Now that I'm older and at a  slightly better disposition to make sound food choices, I've come to terms with exploring. I still like my own and my mum's chicken rice the best because no one else makes it better (ha), but I've learnt to appreciate the mee soto at East Coast food centre and chicken satay from certain places. I used to avoid salad not because I hate vegetables but because I thought they were flat, but boy was I wrong. There are still certain food that I avoid like paru, hati, and tetel, so don't ever try to feed me sambal goreng pengantin. I love sambal goreng but only the way my mother makes it.

Okay, maybe I am a bit of a food snob. I'm not sure where you can get the best fine dining experience, but I sure can tell you where you can find the best thosai, the best naan, the best chicken rice, the best satay, etc. To put simply, I have an affinity with comfort food. I encourage all you foodies out there to continue posting about your cafe-hunting, new experience in the kitchen, or anything to do with food because yep, nothing makes me happier than food. 

Wind of Change

It seems like every time I put up an entry on this godforsaken webspace of mine, you can almost always expect changes of sorts. Well, one thing for certain is that I've left A&F (and this time for good). It wasn't a very pleasant exit, but you know what they say - when one door closes, another one opens. Clichéd as hell, but I can't tell you how thankful I am for all the good tidings and sustenance that have come rolling my way this past month.

I spent a good two months at home prior to getting a new job, and this gave me ample opportunity to catch up on things that I either couldn't be arsed to do before, or I was just always too tired. All that newfound time hanging heavy on my hands allowed me to discover some sense of purpose, if you will (fucking corny, but it's true). It's also allowed me to take a good look back at my almost-28 years of life, and to figure out where did I go wrong. Truth of the matter is, the answer is plain and simple. However, as plain and simple as it is, it hurts. It hurts when you finally reach a juncture where you can definitely ascertain that all your failures and disappointments stem from the fact that you're nothing but a simple-minded, naive human being, who have the monumental expectation that others will be kind to you if you treat them the way they want to be treated. When you're too trusting, the outcome would always turn out calamitous. Well, who didn't know that?

I knew. I knew too damn well, but I never learnt.

if there's anything that I should learn, it's that expectations will ALWAYS lead to disappointment. It is something that will take some adjusting to, and change... let's just say change frightens me to my very bones. So a year from now, let's see if this whole living without expectations works out. 


We all have our own struggles. Big or small, we should never belittle them. They're our own battles, whether or not we picked them.

I am still struggling with the concept of being single, and all the independence that comes with it.

I am struggling at work.

I am struggling to see the bigger picture.
  • Current Music
    Eskobar - The Art of Letting Go

(no subject)

I never thought this would see the light of day.

Naturally, a lot has happened since the last entry. I left A&F, worked elsewhere that turned me into a miserable skeleton (or so some have told me), and then went back to A&F. I could do better, but am I happy? Yes. I'm exhausted beyond belief, and some people just have a knack for annoying me to the core of my being, but I'm happy. Am I going anywhere with this career path, though? We'll see.

More recently, my younger sister got married. It was everything a celebration of marriage should be, and it was probably the most beautiful celebration I've ever witnessed, bar none. How did I feel about it? I was happy for her. I was happy that she's found someone of character and tenacity to go through life with her come what may. A little bit of sadness, however, was inevitable. We share a love-hate relationship, as do most siblings, I'm sure. She still is, and will always be my sister, but knowing that she's someone's wife automatically robbed me off the privilege to bully her (in a loving way). Even more depressing were the onslaught of questions like, "When's your turn?" or "How are you holding up?", and more commonly heard, "Are you okay?"

I am not okay. I don't think I will be for a long time. I see old friends turn up for the reception with their partners and kids in tow, some of them even younger than I am. I have enough wedding invites to see me through December handed out to me that Sunday afternoon. All these people I know are settling down. I am not upset that my wedding bells are not ringing yet; I am worried. I am afraid that I will never meet someone.

I am not okay but I will survive, I think.

  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive

they have no idea

I've had about enough. There, I've said it. Most people (other than my parents and sisters) think I'm the coldest and most unkind human being that has ever walked on the face of the planet. Little do they know that underneath the shrilly voice trying to make everyone work at a quicker pace in pursuit of better hours management, is a terribly soft-hearted person who cries at every little thing that touches her heart.

They have no idea that despite all the teeth-gritting and eye-rolling, I care. They have no idea that despite my silence, I care.

I am angry with the fact that my first full-time job was in the PR industry. I am angry because I'm always putting the needs of others ahead of mine – my need to be happy, and to for once not give a flying fuck about what others think or feel. I mean, why should I care about what I say to a bunch of 18-20 year-olds who are still grappling with, or worse, have no clue about the concept of having a job?

The thing is, I try so hard to not care that I actually end up caring more.


white elephant

Does anyone ever log on to their msn messenger anymore? All the friends who sent me messages are those who got their account hacked, and they kept asking me to look at them in a non-clothed manner. Well, with the exception of one. 

I have never been this restless. I've gone through my entire timeline on Twitter, pored over dozens of wedding websites, drooled over pretty blushing brides, but I'm still not sleepy. I need to get everything back on track – my health, my sleep, and my relationship. Everything's topsy turvy. 

Oh boy, this is beginning to sound a lot like a thirteen-year-old's diary. 

Time Out

Maybe time away from each other will do us some good, who knows. I'm just taking one day at a time. I have never been a fan of taking time-outs from a relationship because there's nothing so dire or so terrible, that two people cannot sit down, talk it out and solve it amicably. Apparently, my partner is not big on talking. 

In any case, I hope it goes away soon, whatever the problem is. 


It's been a while, and I've to admit that I miss this place. Like I've said so many times before, there were a lot of things on my mind that needed penning down, but at the end of the day, I always think to myself, "Why bother?" 

Tonight, though, feels different. Tonight I feel like letting loose, albeit with caution. 

So Afiq, Iqbal, Izzah, and I were out at Timbre last night. We were eating, and laughing away, until Izzah decided to read some of our old blog posts from days of yore. And laughed harder we did. I couldn't help but cringe when memories of what I wrote those days came flashing back. Tonight I write with caution because this is the only memory I have of my blogging days (thank God), and I don't wish to look back and read my entries with a disgusted look plastered across my face. I want to be able to read all my entries on this livejournal, and laugh at the good times I had. 

There shouldn't be an entry consisting of purely negative thoughts from here on out. Something positive always comes out of rough patches, right? 

Here's to seeing more blue skies.